textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
