apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
