this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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