It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
