My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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