I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
