i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
