i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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