i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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