Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
