she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
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I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
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I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"