now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
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My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
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I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro