There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been