the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dating After Heartbreak
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.