Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
