Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
and you fell through a lawn chair
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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