I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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