I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
