Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
