if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
