nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
