Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
