I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am spending my child support on dildos
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm getting married
To pizza
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
