You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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