I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
