when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
