I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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