i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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