new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
