About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
