Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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