I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
