Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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