note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
