we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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