I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
