i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
