so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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