his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
