the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
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I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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