I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just come out here and I will go home with you...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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