I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
