It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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