My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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