my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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