Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
