he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
