I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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