Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
