I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
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