I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
