I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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