I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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