my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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