Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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