Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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