SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
