Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
