I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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