Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
