I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
