life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
